Renault 4 Miracle Power Mod

[malcolm]

I just love computer generated internet pages. Here is one for the Renault 4. It's a new wonderful way to increase your Renault 4 power output:

This simple, yet effective unit will help boost the power output of your Renault 4 engine....... It consists of a small electronic resistance device that is inserted between your Renault 4 air sensor and the ECU......the altered signal will always stay within the Renault 4 cars's specifications

They also provide a useful question and answer section:

Q. How hard is it to install this device to my Renault 4 ?

A. Installation on all cars models is a very easy DIY task that can be completed within 5 minutes. Full instructions are included.

For those of you who find the miracle device hard to install because you can't find an ECU, Frederick the Frog can sell you a brand new one with the words "Renault 4" written on it. It can be installed in your glovebox in seconds and is guaranteed to increase your Renault 4 car's performance.*

*Only when fitted in conjunction with other modifications that actually increase performance.

 

[La Poste]

My R4 is still a non-runner at the moment, so doesn't really need a power-boost, but if Frederick could supply me with one for a 1975 Citroen Ami 8 estate I'd definitely be interested (would I have to swap the polarity to convert it to left-hand drive though?).

I once tried tuning my 2cv by sticking some black insulation-tape over part of the badge on the boot-lid (so that it read 'V6 special' instead of '2CV6 special'). Unfortunately the 2cv's aerodynamics are such that at speeds in excess of 120mph the tape tended to start coming adrift, the subsequent increase in drag then slowing the car to a pitiful 55mph flat-out... A black marker-pen did wonders for my R4's performance though - with just minor alterations to one letter I managed to transform it from a humble Renault 4 GTL into a real flyer of a Renault 4 GTI capable of seeing off just about anything at the lights!

 

[Bluebell]

"High Demand for ECUs" says Frederick

I heard a rumour that ECUs are in short supply but Frederick assures me that there are enough for everybody and if you hold on they will be reduced by 4p next week. Does Clementine recommend panic buying?

I'm wondering if I can adapt the ECU to fit the glovebox of the Maestro. Would I have to improve the strength of the chassis so the engine doesn't pull the car in half? And I'm not too sure if I have a air sensor.......

 

[malcolm]

if Frederick could supply me with one for a 1975 Citroen Ami 8 estate I'd definitely be interested (would I have to swap the polarity to convert it to left-hand drive though?).

I've checked the applications list, and it looks like all we have to do is write the words "Ami 8" on the label. Positive earth installation may result in a small fire, but if the ECU is orientated according to the instructions (and the rear hatch opened) the resulting rocket effect should provide further performance gains.

Looks like demand is high so panic buying is recommended. Prices are set to increase, although Richard Branson has announced plans to build his own ECU factory and buy a label printer.

Frederick can also supply a short length of steel bar with a wire soldered onto the end, and a label reading "air sensor". This should be placed in the spare wheel well as close as possible to the exhaust for maximum performance gains.

 

[Bluebell]

Round Tuits

I meant to ask Frederick if he can also supply a Round Tuit when he sends my ECU and air sensor. They must be hard to come by because everyone keeps saying they'll do lots of things on the car when they get a Round Tuit.

Yours in anticipation

 

[claude van rouge]

Motoring Maestro

I think you need to be a little more precise as to the type of Round Tuit you require - I belive they come in at least four types but the Atwontse is the best but very much sort after so you may have to make do with a Soune or even a Laytor. Although I think the Maesto vans require a Sumtyme.

Anyway I hope you get a Round Tuit eventually.

 

[La Poste]

If Frederick runs out of air sensors I can supply a caged canary instead. These were very popular in their day (coal miners used to swear by them), but the technology is a bit old hat these days so I'm selling them off cheap (cheep?). They can fail prematurely if fitted too close to the exhaust though, so I'd recommend buying a couple just in case.

Deviating ever so slightly, Motoring Maestro have you got a talking dashboard model, or just the standard version? If you're interested I've booked Timothy Spall (Barry the Brummie from Auf Wiedersehen Pet) to do a few choice soundbites to replace the largely pointless 'Fasten your seatbelt' originals. These will all revolve around strikes, tea-breaks, and union reps, and I can supply them on 90 minute audio tape complete with a second-hand Sony Walkman which should fit neatly into your glove compartment. This is definitely a worthwhile upgrade, and one which will add literally pence to the value of your car, as well as impressing your passengers enormously.

 

[Bluebell]

Thank you Kangookris and La Poste for your invaluable help. I've started a trial with a scientific sample of 1 into the different ways of souping up the Maestro. I haven't received the Round Tuit yet but as I ordered the Sumtyme version it might never come. I'll see how Frederick's air sensor works out but you can pencil me in for a cageful of canaries.

So far I have run several trials. Trial 1 was the idea of felt-tipping GTI 12V 4.5L on the back. So far this has had no effect but these are only preliminary findings and not conclusive.

Tinbox's correspondence about mph/kmh matters gave me the idea for Trial 2 where I stuck a km/h dial over the speedometer. This made a mere 50 turn into a speedy 80 which is quite scary in the Maestro.

For Trial 3 I fitted a computer. Dell have some quite good offers on and you can get a free printer. It went quite well in the passenger seat but has had the effect of slowing the car down. You have to go carefully round the bends or the monitor ends up in your lap.

No. I do not think I have the talking dashboard La Poste but it's difficult to tell as my other half chats constantly and I haven't been able to tell. By the way, the Maestro already impresses everyone without any gadgets.

I'll keep the forum posted about any scientifically proven data from the trials. Anybody got any more good ideas?

 

[malcolm]

Frederick also recommends "putting a tiger in your tank" as suggested by the Esso advertising campaign a few years ago.

The idea makes me very nervous. :roll:

 

[La Poste]

I've not tried putting any tigers in my tank (I'm not even sure a whole tiger would fit - could you just poke the tail down the fuel filler?), but I did have a mouse's nest in the exhaust of one of my cars... Revving the engine up was always interesting, as thousands of empty nutshells would be launched into space. All very James Bond - why bother with the expense of a rear-mounted machine gun when you can fire nutshells out of your exhaust!

 

[Bluebell]

Latest trials reports

The trials are progressing satisfactorily. Well not really. Hardly at all in fact.

Trial 4 was to leave the car so empty of petrol that it was inclined to go very fast between garages for fear of running out. This was found to be only viable in a city environment like sunny Leeds where filling stations are every few yards. The trial was scrapped as it was unsuitable for motorway or Bedfordshire driving. Also the recent climate of uncertainty about petrol supplies made this method very nerve-wracking.

Thanks to Clementine's links at the top of the page I have been investigating chip tuning. The old ones under the seat have had no effect so it must be the fresh smell of vinegar that is the key.

The ECU car remapping will take place later in the week because :clementi: Clementine has promised to get a Round Tuit and deliver the ECU in person. :wink:

 

[malcolm]

I was hoping to send :frederic: Frederick the frog up as a delivery driver, but seems he's already set off for Majorca (air mail).

 

[Bluebell]

:frederic:
Thank you Clementine. I too have been making enquiries about Frederick as he promised he would get a Round Tuit Sumtyme and deliver my ECU. I hear he could not cope with the demand for ECUs and he is rumoured to have left the country. Has anybody seen him?

And where's Ermintrude?

 

[malcolm]

Clementine's Renault 4 Garage would like to apologise for the delays some people may have experienced in the delivery of their ECUs. These delays have been due to a faulty label printer.

Frederick the Frog is working hard to resolve the issue, and has arranged for the labels to be printed by a new supplier in Spain. To speed up delivery, Frederick has taken Ermintrude the Renault 4 to Spain, and will return with the ECUs within the next few days.

To make completely certain nothing goes wrong, Frederick has also taken a very large sum of cash and all of his belongings, so he should be well placed to work through any more problems if they arise.

 

[Bluebell]

Frederick's trip

Thank you Clementine for allaying our fears.
Frederick :frederic: did tell me that my ECU and air sensor were extra special with the Maestro label so that is why I had to pay a lot extra. I'm hoping he's working very hard in Spain to get them. Perhaps if we sent him more cash he would get on better so would you forward the enclosed?

:yellowre:
Love to Ermintrude and tell her not get sand in her sprockets

 

[Bluebell]

Where is Clementine?

:clementi:
Clementine has been seen sporting first a black eyepatch and then a new pair of the trademark dark glasses. As we have not heard from Clementine all week we can only assume that she has been offered a passage on a pirate ship and has sneaked off to sunnier climes to join Frederick in his new life of luxury. Answers on a postcard please!

 

[malcolm]

Apologies for being away for so long. It's true I've been wearing an eye patch this week. I was converted to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster who believe there is a strong correlation between the declining number of pirates and increasing temperatures worldwide. The only way we can combat global warming is to become pirates!

Oh yeah - had a series of particularly unpleasant (but minor) eye operations too. Wear safety specs while gardening!!

 

[Bluebell]

Don't forget - 'Talk Like a Pirate' Day next September 19th. The demand for peg legs and parrots will be high so start preparing now. The venues will be posted in due course. The High Seas is a possibility.